Where was I?

Oh yeah, talking about living by my own compass, accepting limitations, etc. I'm finding that I simply can't work on a constant churn of 9-6 (or more), plus keep up with my gardening and household projects (as a new homeowner, that's a lot), my service work, reading, maintaining friendships, family obligations...without getting tremendously cranky at first and eventually cracking up. I get a sort of contact buzz from the "busy-ness" but it's a brittle, stretched energy that feels fake. Eventualy, I get to where I'm not sleeping, I can't relax, and I have no emotional reserves. When I type that out in black in white, it seems like a "well, duh!" situation. Who can keep up that pace? But when I try to find a different path, I feel really uncomfortable and like I'm failing somehow. For example, this week I am honoring my commitment to take a break. I have lots of time each day to enjoy myself however I want to... only I don't know what to do with myself. I tend to want to sit at the computer and at least "look" like I'm working, which is ridiculous because I work from home and THERE IS NOBODY WATCHING (except the pets). I think this is a real blind spot for me. I mean, I chose the freelance life but somewhere along the last 7 years I have forgotten how to enjoy it. Being driven has made me very successful at what I do, but not always so successful at living. And that's what I really want -- to enjoy more of my moments. To turn down the volume on my anxiety and be more present. I think that's connected with learning how to walk away from the buzz of busy-ness, only I don't know how. In the past, I have stuck with this process only until my anxiety over not being productive enough became unbearable. This time, I want to do it differently. I don't want to end up in my 60s, spine and body rigid from years of constant tension, spirit flayed thin from non-stop effort. I don't want to get cancer from letting things eat away at my soul. I don't want to have to use substances like food, alcohol, cigarettes to dull my emotions so I can keep going. I don't want to be (in those cliche terms) a human "doing" instead of a "human being." I want to be a better wife and a better friend. I want to capture and savor more little moments of joy. I want to enjoy the process instead of living in the accomplishment. I want to be an artist who participates in the creation of each day (but not the creation of turmoil, angst and despair). I suppose my biggest fear is that I will fail at this and end up right back where I was last Christmas -- frantic with worry and the pressure I place on myself. And I have to let go of that fear, too, because it only creates more pressure. Ahh. Let go. Damn cliches. Why are they always so dadblasted true?